The Reluctant, Sleepy Early Bird Post

What do I do when my son refuses to go back to sleep at 4:50 am? Well, after crying a little bit inside, I think to myself, "Hmmm, this is a great time to blog!" Who was it that invented Daylight Savings Time again? .....Oh yes! SATAN...... <yawn> So with Clifford the Big Red Dog on the TV and my son making all kinds of bangs and thuds behind me that I refuse to acknowledge (if I can't see it, it's not really happening, right??), here I go!

First of all, I just want to thank everyone who commented or pmed me with words of support and love! I did not expect everyone's reaction and I am very humbled by it. I just hope I can do this blog justice. Like I said, some days will be more entertaining than others, but such is the life of, well..... my life.... haha!

I meant to take "before" pictures yesterday when I was all done up for church, but I found myself falling asleep on the couch instead. Not that I'm complaining, it just means that I'll have to take them today. And let me tell you, Monday is NOT a day when I get all dolled up like I do on most Sundays. You'll end up getting a few pictures of me in yoga pants, a tee shirt, a ponytail and MAYBE some mascara. It will be like the proverbial "before" pictures that you see on those shady Lose 10 Pounds in 4 Hours comparison photos. You know the ones. Where they aren't smiling, they're looking down (causing multiple double chins), wearing unflattering, baggy clothing, no makeup and looking like they haven't showered in 5 days. But then the "after" pictures shows them beaming, looking upward (to hide the double chins), wearing figure flattering clothing, full stage makeup, and looking fresh and laundered. You know which ones I mean. That will be what my "before" pictures look like. Except my "after" ones will be months and months down the road and will hopefully not be fake looking (Where is my Photoshop for Dummies book again?). I kid. A little.

These are my "before" and "after" pics from back in 2012 when I lost the 50 pounds. This is probably more like what you'll see from me. I look at these and long for the days when I looked like I did in the black shirt. I am actually 20 pounds heavier now than I was when the red shirt pictures were taken, which makes me want to weep, but I can't get discouraged! I can do this! And I know I have the support of all of you! Which means more to me than you'll ever know. So thank you.

I will post my stats with the pictures, probably tomorrow or late tonight. It will be super embarrassing, but I HAVE to do it. It's the only way I will stay accountable. I feel an obligation towards those who are reading this blog and wanting to hear about my journey. I don't want to let any of you down.

Even as I write this, I am having an internal struggle over just how much I want to disclose. Depression is seriously such a strange thing. It can hit you at any time over any detail in life. Because mine is chronic, I can usually tell when I wake up what kind of day I am going to have. On the bad days, I make sure I tell my husband that it's liable to be a rough day and he knows that's code for, "Don't get in my way because I will take you down." I think Heavenly Father blessed me with such a soft-spoken, loving, caring and PATIENT husband because He knew I was going to be going through this trial. And I am FOREVER grateful for Shon and all the support and love he shows me, even on the days that he tiptoes around and occasionally has to rescue my son from his mother's wrath. Shon understands and loves me in spite of all of this. He sees the struggle I go through and wants nothing more than to make it go away, but sometimes even he can't help me. It's so sad! And then there's Donovan. He is almost two and a half and he sometimes wakes up acting like a teenage girl. Moody and whiny and mean and weepy. Which, even as I type that, are ironically the exact same feelings I have on bad days..... interesting. Anyway, when those "teenage girl" days coincide with one of my bad days, it is like Dante's Inferno over here. You know? The nine circles of Hell? Yeah, that's my house on those days. So I say again, MY POOR, POOR HUSBAND. So if any of you see him out and about here in the good old "Grove" please give him a hug or possibly some Valium.

Well I am going to end this post now. My little guy needs some snuggles from mommy. He gets this way when he's tired. Haha! Oh well, he won't be little for long and I should take advantage of it while I can. Even if he's tired because he thought waking up super early sounded like a great idea. Bright side: He will nap well!! :) Again, I thank you all for your support and kindness. It means so much to me and I don't think I'll ever be able to adequately express how it helps me move forward. Love you all!