Let's get real for a moment. Part One.

Friends, I am TERRIBLY nervous posting this. Although I know that it is a necessary step in my healing process, it is an incredibly personal admission and it makes me super vulnerable. I also know that no one who reads this blog will judge me for sharing my story and if I can help just one person with their own struggle, then all this discomfort will be worth it. Some may think that I am divulging too much. Some will be thankful for me telling all the nitty gritty details. And some will probably be shocked by the things I write. I promised I would disclaim any difficult details on this journey of mine. So here it is. 

**DISCLAIMER**

THESE NEXT FEW POSTS WILL REVEAL AND DISCUSS SELF HARMING THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS. 

Thankfully, the physical harm done to my person was minimal. My thoughts, on the other hand, are quite disturbing, even for me to reminisce on. 

So please, if you think it will be hard or cause undo stress or anxiety, take a moment to ponder whether you want to continue to read these posts. The last thing I want to do is dredge up past unhappiness or bring any unwanted, painful memories to surface again. 

I understand that some people will find these posts informational and interesting, others may find them cathartic in some way, and yet others may find them difficult to swallow. 

So please proceed with caution. 

This story will be in at least three segments. I will post this disclaimer before each one. 

Does that cover everything? I hope so. 

This post will most likely take me a few days to write and refine. But I think this is important for me to make sure I am thorough and detail oriented, in the hopes that it may help someone else out there maybe struggling with some of the same things I am. 

I can't pinpoint the exact moment that my life became more than I could mentally handle. On the surface, I have a great life! And here is why:

• I have a wonderful, loving, patient, long suffering, and gentle husband who loves me with his whole heart.
• I have an adorable, intelligent, active, sweet and loving miracle baby who loves me with his whole heart.
• I have a temple marriage and am active in my ward at church. And I know I am loved by my Heavenly Father. 
• My amazing husband is on his way to receiving the needed education to take care of us very well in the coming years.
• I have a simply astounding family, both direct and in-law, who love me with their whole hearts.
• I have too many close friends and acquaintances to count, who love me dearly and will willingly do anything I need.
• I have a physical body (although not in the best shape at this point in time) that has treated me very well for the 30 odd years that it's been mine. I am actually very healthy except for my weight, which I am working on currently.
• Although we are FAR from rich, we have enough funds to provide for our family in comfort.
• We live in an apartment for free because we are going to school. This is an incredible blessing at this time in our lives.
• I have a kitten who loves me and brings me comfort and makes me laugh on a daily basis.
• I have food, a bed, clothes to wear, a car for transport, hobbies, a television, a computer, a cell phone, a piano, and other appliances and luxuries that make life so much easier.
• Running water, electricity, plumbing, and heat and cooling mechanisms.
• And much more, I'm sure!

So it is apparent that my life really is amazing and there is absolutely no reason I should be struggling. I need to get over it and give myself a kick in the pants. I need to take a nap and snap out of my stupor. Put my big girl panties on and man up. Right?

No. 

Not right.
I wish it were as easy as all that.

So without further ado, here is my long, complicated and maybe boring life story. :)


I was diagnosed with depression in January of 2009. My first indication that something was wrong was when I was at work (I used to work at a bank, as an assistant manager) and I would find that I would get just so ANGRY over every little thing. To the point where, when a customer came in the door and started heading for my desk, I would have to grit my teeth and clench my jaw and grip my desk tightly in order to just listen to what they were complaining (98% of the time) about. I found myself not really caring about anyone's problems. And not really wanting or desiring to alleviate their concerns. I was never one to swear back then, but while I would go through the motions of understanding and trying to clarify on the outside, inside I was swearing up a storm about how stupid people were.  I would go home for lunch and find I had horrible jaw aches and headaches from all the clenching and grinding I was doing. I started to become apathetic. 

Now those who have known me for many years will probably wonder how this is possible. I have always tried to be very caring and sympathetic in my daily routines. I'd like to think I am a caring person. But this was not the case at work. Looking back, I could tell I was just burning out working in that profession. It was rough. It wasn't me. And I started to get worried. 

At that point in my life, I couldn't quit my job and find another one. I had just gotten a big raise and I was trying to buy my own home. So quitting and finding a less stressful job was just not going to happen. So at my annual exam, I talked to my doctor about it. She said that depression sometimes manifests itself that way. Through anger and impatience. Especially if one was not prone to it in the first place. Which I was not. I was always described as caring and thoughtful. But I had turned into Attila the Hun, and my desire to start swinging my club at people had become almost unbearable. I started on my first depression meds at that time in my life.

And it got better.

For a while.

And it just so happens that that was the year that everything changed in my life, for the better. I did buy a house, I found a dear friend of mine as a roommate, and I started working out and losing some weight. I also met Shon (through his cousin, who also happened to be my roommate! Best year ever!), and we became fast friends. We started dating in November of 2009 and I had never been happier! 

The depression and anger I was feeling had taken a back seat to the love and elation that comes with finding your eternal companion. I still had moments (especially at work) but for the most part, all my dreams were coming true and that is what occupied my thoughts.

We got engaged in December of 2009 and married in May of 2010. 

I was still on the medication and it was working for the most part. The first few months of marriage flew by in a blur of happiness and discovery and sweetness. 

We had decided to start trying for a baby in December of 2010. I visited my doctor and she told me that the meds I was on were not ones I should be on if I was trying to get pregnant. So I weaned completely off of the medication. 

It went fine for the first few months. In my mind, I would be pregnant within 6 months. I mean, anyone who knows my family history, knows that getting pregnant is pretty darn easy. I figured I would be like my mom and have it only take like one to two months for my fertile body to do it's thing. And as the months passed with no double pink line, I started falling deeper and deeper into sadness. To tell you the honest truth, those two years that we had tried to get pregnant are somewhat of a foggy blur. I'm not sure if it was because I was so focused on what my body was doing or because I felt like my happiness was directly related to whether I got those two pink lines. 

But I do remember that Shon started getting worried about me. Poor guy. When he met and married me, he had no idea what he was in store for. Of course, he knew that I had been taking medication, but I feel like those first few years of marriage were just the tip of the iceberg in relation to the crap he takes from me now. Seriously, I'm so surprised some days that he has even chosen to stay with me. Because, let me tell you, I am NOT a fun person to be around when I am having one of my depression lags.

So we drifted along for two years. But I do remember people telling me:

"It will happen when it's supposed to happen" 

"Oh, don't worry about it. You're still young!"

"Are you sure you're doing it right?"

"Sounds like you guys just need to be practicing more (wink, wink)" 

You know.... all the things that help soooooo much when you're trying to conceive.

Side note: 

Please, for the love of everything that is holy, do NOT say these things to anyone who has been trying to get pregnant. I know they may seem comforting or an attempt to lighten a serious situation with a little humor, but coming from someone who heard these things over and over and over and over again, they DO NOT comfort and the humor I felt about the situation was nonexistent. 

I would smile and say something like: 

"Yeah, you're right"

"I know, I still have a lot of child bearing years ahead of me"

"Um, yeah, I'm pretty sure it's not rocket science and seriously, how many different ways are there to do that particular thing?" 

"Haha, yeah.... (you suck)."

Believe me, we can tell who is being sincere and who is not. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to just not ask. It's really no one else's business. And the pain that comes with not being able to conceive runs so deep that there really isn't anything anyone can say to make it feel better. 

Sorry about the soapbox, but I feel like I need to share that. Now that we have been trying for almost nine months to conceive number two, I am starting to feel the fear again. But it's certainly not the same this time around. No one is really asking about anything and I am thankful. If people want to share with friends or family about their struggles, they will. 

Thank you for bearing with me and I hope I didn't offend anyone with my words. I just know that pain way too well and it makes it all the worse to know that EVERYONE around you is watching and waiting too. 

Love to all! :)

End of soapbox rant.

Where was I?

Oh yes.

So I remember starting to feel so sad all the time. Not wanting to do anything. Always focused on my cycle. 

On the evening of December 8, 2012, when I was talking to my mom on the phone about the fact that my period was supposed to have started the day before, and that I was cramping, so I knew it was going to start in a day or so, that I had quite the breakdown. I was so sad that we were rounding on two years of trying. Twenty-three months in November. Two whole years in December. 

Nothing anyone could say could make me feel better. I remember looking up depressing songs on YouTube that night because I just wanted to wallow. I also remember thinking that I should start the medication again just to take the edge off of my misery. The next day, Sunday, when Aunt Flow still hadn't started, but the cramping was continual, I started to wonder if the cramps indicated something else. I looked up early pregnancy symptoms and wham! One of the first ones was cramping. I thought, "Gosh that stinks! A lot of the early pregnancy symptoms can also be the symptoms you get with your period. What kind of sick twisted joke is that??" But the more I read about it, the more I thought about it. I talked to Shon and told him what I had read. He said to take a pregnancy test in the morning. I remember being super nervous and trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I didn't sleep well that night. I woke up at 6:00 the next morning and woke Shon up to be there when I took it. He was really groggy. Shon is NOT a morning person. I sat on the toilet, did my business, took the test and waited. 

TWO LINES!!!!

                                                                                                                                                                            

END OF PART ONE
Stay tuned for Part Two
Hopefully I will get it posted by Sunday.
Thanks everyone!

Let's make it a great day!