Let's talk about.....

In two words? IT SUCKS!

I have known I've been addicted to food for probably nine or so years. I mean, I've never been thin or even anywhere remotely near thin, but in the past 10 years I have been able to recognize and admit that I've had a problem. Food addiction is terrible because it's one of the only addictions that you can't stop cold turkey. You have to eat. Sometimes I wish we didn't have to. Like, with all the medical advancements and whatnot, why can't they manufacture a pill that you could take so that those of us with issues could just stop eating? But then again, I'm not even sure I would take it, even if it meant me losing 100 pounds, because food tastes YUMMY!!! Darnit. 

I think it really all started after I graduated college and moved out on my own. I had a full time, stressful job and I would come home at night and just need something to make me feel good. So I would stop at a fast food place and get some greasy comfort food. I feel a lot of shame about this topic, because it directly relates to how I feel about myself and my body. And those two things are, I think, the basis of most of my problems. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. In fact, I religiously avoid mirrors if I can. I avoid clothes shopping. I avoid social events. I make excuses as to why I can't hang out with friends. I HATE meeting new people because in my mind, all they can see is a big blob of blubber. These feelings feed my depression and anxiety to a point where I lose hope and decide that I'm too far gone to be saved, so why don't I just have fun destroying myself? It's a terrible place to be. 

Let me tell you a little bit about what happens to me and how I recognize it as an addiction. Here are a few things that run through my head on a daily basis:

• When I wake up in the morning, I immediately think about what I will eat for breakfast.
• I get EXCITED to think that I'll be eating soon.
• I search the cabinets and drawers to find what looks good, and sometimes can't decide on just one thing, so why not have both?
• I receive more pleasure while eating then I do doing pretty much anything else. 
• I am regularly angry while I eat, because I know I shouldn't be doing it.
• There have been times when I will literally be crying and still cannot stop myself from having one more bowl of cereal or one more muffin, etc.
• I think about what I will eat for lunch as soon as I am done with breakfast.
• Ditto for dinner after lunch.
• I used to be able to miss a meal with no issue, but now I feel like I owe myself something more if I miss a meal. So I reward myself with extra food or unhealthy food.
• Sneaking food is a constant burden in my life as well. I love my husband, but there are some days when I can't wait for him to leave for school, so I can raid the fridge, or run to the grocery store for some scones or whatnot.
• I used to stop at McDonald's daily for a McFlurry or cookies or french fries, etc.
• Dessert is something I believe that I deserve every night.
• I would be accurate when I say I think about my weight every hour at least. 
• I hate myself and find that food gives me a moment of comfort amidst the pain.
• I go to bed thinking about what I could eat in the morning.

These are just a few of the things, but you get the idea. I know I'm not the only one who suffers from this and I envy those of you (my husband...) who only see food as fuel for the body and could take it or leave it. I know that the healthy attitude toward food is somewhere in between those two extremes, but if I could choose, I would choose to be apathetic toward food. Because what I feel is far from comfortable and it eats (haha) at me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

But I know there is help and hope. I mentioned that I have started to go to counseling and that is something we are going to be addressing in those sessions. In my mind, I feel like if I lost all the weight I need to, that my depression would be nonexistent. However, more people have told me that the depression is the underlying issue. I have to "fix" the depression before tackling that addiction. If I don't, I could just move my addictive tendencies on to something else, maybe even more destructive. 

Even as I write these things, I think to myself, "Good grief, Kimberlee. Suck it up! There are people out there who suffer far worse things than this. Man up and get over it." But I know I do have a real problem and it won't go away unless I swallow my shame and embarrassment and confront it head on. 

I had a friend recommend a book to read that helps when it comes to food addiction. The book is Life is Hard, Food is Easy by Linda Spangle. I've started to read it and it has some great information about compulsive eating and emotional eating and how to deal with the underlying problems that manifest themselves through the relationship we have with food. I am really enjoying the book and I hope it will bring some clarity to what I am feeling. I know it won't take the place of a therapist, but I find that it is yet another tool to use in this journey of mine. I would recommend it to anyone who is finding themselves in my situation. 

I will post the cycle of food addiction below. It's sad that every single one of the physical manifestations of addiction are things I think or do on a daily basis. But I have hope!!!! I've got to!!! Because if I didn't there wouldn't be anything to keep me from killing myself slowly. I HAVE to get it under control. It will be a long road, but it's one that I am already on and I'm doing okay. Some days are harder than others, but that's the case in anything life throws at you. 

For all those suffering from similar thoughts or feelings, I urge you to seek help. It's so terribly hard to try to do it on your own. I am finally at a place where I am okay with reaching out to others. As I said before, there is a certain amount of shame and embarrassment associated with it. People are afraid of "fat". It's not socially acceptable these days. Although I firmly believe that society makes those of us who are prone to "thickness" feel like we are subaverage. The only way for me to go is up. And by up, I mean upping my standards of healthy eating and physical fitness. I am here for anyone who wants to ever talk about this or who has questions. Please know you are not alone!

Ok, so on to the "fun" part of the blog. I finally am posting my "before" pictures. Now, let me warn you that they ARE NOT PRETTY!! Haha! But like I said, I have to admit and accept what I am and work from there. I will not stay here! 

(I am super embarrassed to be putting these numbers in print, but whatever. I've got to own up to it!)

Weight before: 265.4 lbs.

ARRRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! <retching noises>

I have my weigh-ins on Mondays, so I will be posting the weekly results on Mondays. I will also periodically post progression pics. 

Take that first step friends! It's always the hardest. Then hang on for dear life! 

Love to you all!