It's time for a change....

Although I am blessed with a loving husband and a very precious but precocious son, my day to day life has become a never-ending cycle of self loathing thoughts and actions, unhealthy choices and turning my back on the Spirit. Isn't it funny that when you're in the deepest waters that you wish most ardently for the help of a life jacket or life preserver? I also wonder how life would have been different for me if I had simply thought ahead and worn a life jacket from the get go. But just like someone who finds themselves in watery peril, so am I reaching out desperately for some kind of solid ground to begin my journey back to the safety of the shore. I've been there before and I know it's beautiful and happy and comfortable. But I certainly can't get there all on my own. I thought I could. I was wrong.


Some of the things I feel with cannot be "fixed" by will alone. I am suffering from Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. And probably a few more undiagnosed mental health conditions. And the truth of the matter is that I will probably always suffer from a form of all these things. I have come to peace with that. But I need to understand that coming to peace with it doesn't mean I can't keep moving forward and trying to be happy.

Okay, well now that I've thoroughly depressed everyone (!), let's move on to the nitty gritty of what I plan on doing starting today, November 1, 2015. The only, and I mean ONLY, thing that has ever worked for me in regards to weight loss has been Weight Watchers. I was successful in losing just about 50 pounds using WW back in 2012. And I felt great! And then I got pregnant. You know, it's true what everyone says about you never really getting your body back after pregnancy. Even if I had been lucky enough to lose all the weight I gained, I would still have saggy skin, saggy boobs and stretch marks. True story. And in case anyone can't tell, I'm not getting any younger. I've started using moisturizer on my face and neck to slow the progression of wrinkles and I'm also not too proud to confess that my bed time has returned to 8:30. Red sauce upsets my tummy and I get headaches if I chew gum for longer than 20 minutes. I used to make fun of my mom for those kinds of things. But another thing I have learned is that my mom was wiser than I gave her credit for. But that is typical of any mother/child relationship. I'm sure Donovan will think I am terribly "square" and "lame" or "whatever" when he gets old enough to actually say those things. 

Any who, I digress. So I signed up for WW again this morning. I know it is just about $20 a month, but it is money well spent if I truly stick to it and use the tools regularly. The start of anything new is quite exciting and I feel very empowered. The problem is that those feelings of empowerment seem to fade as tiny mistakes or setbacks take place. It's the whole "The higher you fly, the harder you fall" mentality. Well I say, "Bring it on!" I am not foolish enough to think I won't have days like that. But my number one goal this time around is to NOT LET THE LITTLE HICCUPS KEEP ME FROM MOVING FORWARD!!!!!! And so I will begin again to make my body healthy and satisfactory to me.

I've addressed the physical side of my improvement plan and now I will touch on the mental side of things. For those of you who don't know, I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. Through this experience, I have really come to appreciate the mental health professionals out there. If I can say just one thing about them it would be this: They DO NOT get paid enough for the good they do. I have started to visit a counselor and she has helped me more in just two sessions than I could ever have helped myself. Ever. I still have such a long journey, but I am confident that I am on the right path. I am also following a medical route by taking some anti-depressants. I used to think I was weak for having to take meds, but I have come to understand that mental health problems should never have a stigma attached to them. It is a problem that needs to be addressed more often. I feel like if it was, we wouldn't have many of the terrible, heartbreaking things going on in the world today. But I won't get on that soapbox right now. I will have a post later on strictly about what goes on in my head on a daily basis. I feel like both the physical and mental issues I have coincide in a large way. It is something that needs to be tackled on both fronts. And so I will begin to make my mind healthy and satisfactory to me.

I'm sorry for the long, rambling post, but I wanted to get some of my thoughts out at the beginning here and then expound on them through my other posts. Thank you all for reading and taking the time and effort that is required to do it. I will need a lot of support and kind words through this process. It will not be easy and I have to resign myself to the fact that some of these things will never go away. But I have the power to improve myself. If I thought it was a useless attempt, I fear I would have nothing left to live for. I need this lifeline. I need the hope and faith to get started and continue on this new journey. I want to be able to wake up every morning and say, "Today is going to be a great day!" And I want to be able to truly believe it!