Week 2 Weight Results

Sorry I haven't updated in a while and I'm not even going to write a lot tonight since I am super exhausted, but I wanted to update everyone on my second week of WW. Are you ready?? 

Drumroll please.....

Current weight: 259.9 lbs.

Weight lost this week: 1.8 lbs.

Total weight lost: 5.5 lbs.!!

I am totally ok with those numbers. 

I knew this week wasn't going to be as good because, well, sugar cookies are really good. :)

But I am below 260 and I will NEVER be back there. I've got to tell myself these uplifting things because it just feels great to say I'm below 260 lbs.! Think how great it will feel when I say, "I'm 199.9 lbs.! And I will never see any 2 in front of my weight again!!" I know that's a ways off, but I'm looking toward the future. :)

 I am also feeling pretty good mentally right now too. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle an emotional toddler (how do people have more than one kid???????) who NEVER listens to me, who cries about everything and who refuses to use his words to let me know what he needs or wants. I mean, come on! I KNOW you know the words! Just USE THEM!!!! Sigh. I guess I should be grateful that he's giving me so much practice in the mind reading department......

But I am finally (FINALLY) on a medication that seems to be doing what needs to be done to my brain. I still find myself low on patience and sometimes just wanting to lay on the couch and be a blob, but I am in such a better place right now than I was a month ago. No desire to hurt myself or do anything drastic, which is a win in my book! :) Well, I need to do the couch laying thing right now, so I'll end this blog entry right here.

I'm going to do a post about the more serious stuff on depression/anxiety and how I "dealt" with it. Some of the stuff I write might be a little disturbing and I'll do my best to warn you beforehand if i'm going to go into detail that might be hard for some to hear. I'm all about disclaimers.

Anyway! Love you all! Make it a great day!

Maybe someday!

On days that are particularly difficult, I like to actually sit down and plan out my perfect vacation. You know, the one where you could go anywhere, without money concerns, parental responsibilities or multiple schedules getting in the way? Well, today was one of those days. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii and I certainly hope I can go with Shon one of these days, but I like needed it real bad today. I needed the warm sunshine and the beautiful beaches and the clear, aqua water. I needed seclusion. A beach without any other tourists. A little bungalow on the coast with meals and entertainment included. Maybe a jacuzzi or jetted tub. And a big, soft, cushy king sized bed that feels like you're laying on clouds. The only sounds coming through the open windows that of the waves, the birds, the wind. The flowery smells and comforting rays of sun falling softly on the walls and floors. Where there are no TVs, no cell phones, no computers, no technology of any kind. Where I could just walk on the beach in my bare feet and take an occasional dip in the shallow water (I'm terrified of deep bodies of water. If I can't see the bottom, I ain't going out there), maybe have a picnic of fruit and cheese and bread on the beach with my loving husband. And know that my son is being taken care of and spoiled by both sets of grandparents in Spokane. Even a weekend would be awesome. Just enough time to rejuvenate and SLEEP!!! With no distractions of everyday life, where I only had to think about.... nothing. Doesn't that sound nice? Just once. That's all I'm asking. Sigh.

On a totally unrelated note, does anyone have an extra 1,000 or so bucks laying around that they don't know what to do with? Because, you know, I could probably find something to do with it......  

But let's get back to reality. Instead, today I was awoken at 5:30 by a bloodcurdling scream coming from my son. I had moved to the couch around 3:00 because my back was hurting and I was tossing and turning and wanted Shon to get some sleep. So hearing this earth shattering scream, I hightailed it to Donovan's room thinking at the very least, that he had lost an appendage. Alas, when I entered his room, he was sitting up in bed and screaming about his blanket. Which was sitting on the bed next to him. So I picked it up and gave it to him. He proceeded to throw it back at me, still shrieking in this maniacal way that he's been trying out recently. I really had no idea what he wanted. My brain was foggy and I have a hard enough time trying to understand him even when he's not crying and thrashing. So I thought, well, maybe he had a nightmare. So I just brought him back downstairs, silently apologizing to the neighbors for the racket, and tried to calm him down. And the morning just got better from there on out. Throwing things, shouting at me, sitting on the cat, wanting candy for breakfast, breaking his truck and thinking I had magical powers to fix it (thank goodness for duct tape), being put in time out, etc. You get the picture. So after a morning like I had, a vacation seems like an appropriate request, right? Haha! Thankfully, he went down for a nap and woke up a different person. Hallelujah!!! If I haven't mentioned it yet, I'm LOVING toddlerhood. Not. 

 I found a few quotes and feel good sayings that I thought I would share. They give me hope, even on days like today. Because they help me step back and realize that my life really is pretty incredible. I have so much to be thankful for! I'm trying to remember that more often. To keep that smile on my face. Even when all I want to do is punch something. Gotta take baby steps. Remember the big picture. Remember to take time for myself. Remember that this is just a moment in life. If I can remember and do all those things, I think I might just make it through another day!  

Oh, and also: adult coloring books.

No joke.

Those things are like therapy in art form. I've bought a few of them now and I'm pretty obsessed with them. I may or may not have bought the Sherlock and Harry Potter ones as well...... Seriously. Look into it. They can save lives. That's my public service announcement for the day. 

Here, I'll even make it easy for you. Click on this link. You can thank me later. 

Much love to everyone! 

Make today (and tomorrow) a great day!!!!

http://www.booksamillion.com/features?cat=color

Week 1 Weight Results

Well friends, I am happy to announce that I lost 3.3 lbs. this last week!!! Woohoo! And for those who are worried that I might be losing too fast, just remember that the first few weeks of any weight loss program results in more weight lost. It will even out soon, I suspect. But in the meantime, yay!!!! If I lose three pounds a week, I'll be down to my goal weight in just 32 weeks. But um, that's not going to happen. My goal is to lose around 2 lbs. a week. Which, if I am able to lose every week, will put me a right over a year. Which is not bad, right? But I know from experience that it doesn't happen that way.  But it's a goal to work toward. And although this last week feels like it took forever (for a LOT of different reasons), I know the time will pass quickly. And the way I see it, is that the time will pass anyway, so I might as well be doing something to better myself. So here we go with week two! Wish me luck!

P.S. Here is a cute pic of my son, because, well, I can..... 

Let's talk about.....

In two words? IT SUCKS!

I have known I've been addicted to food for probably nine or so years. I mean, I've never been thin or even anywhere remotely near thin, but in the past 10 years I have been able to recognize and admit that I've had a problem. Food addiction is terrible because it's one of the only addictions that you can't stop cold turkey. You have to eat. Sometimes I wish we didn't have to. Like, with all the medical advancements and whatnot, why can't they manufacture a pill that you could take so that those of us with issues could just stop eating? But then again, I'm not even sure I would take it, even if it meant me losing 100 pounds, because food tastes YUMMY!!! Darnit. 

I think it really all started after I graduated college and moved out on my own. I had a full time, stressful job and I would come home at night and just need something to make me feel good. So I would stop at a fast food place and get some greasy comfort food. I feel a lot of shame about this topic, because it directly relates to how I feel about myself and my body. And those two things are, I think, the basis of most of my problems. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. In fact, I religiously avoid mirrors if I can. I avoid clothes shopping. I avoid social events. I make excuses as to why I can't hang out with friends. I HATE meeting new people because in my mind, all they can see is a big blob of blubber. These feelings feed my depression and anxiety to a point where I lose hope and decide that I'm too far gone to be saved, so why don't I just have fun destroying myself? It's a terrible place to be. 

Let me tell you a little bit about what happens to me and how I recognize it as an addiction. Here are a few things that run through my head on a daily basis:

• When I wake up in the morning, I immediately think about what I will eat for breakfast.
• I get EXCITED to think that I'll be eating soon.
• I search the cabinets and drawers to find what looks good, and sometimes can't decide on just one thing, so why not have both?
• I receive more pleasure while eating then I do doing pretty much anything else. 
• I am regularly angry while I eat, because I know I shouldn't be doing it.
• There have been times when I will literally be crying and still cannot stop myself from having one more bowl of cereal or one more muffin, etc.
• I think about what I will eat for lunch as soon as I am done with breakfast.
• Ditto for dinner after lunch.
• I used to be able to miss a meal with no issue, but now I feel like I owe myself something more if I miss a meal. So I reward myself with extra food or unhealthy food.
• Sneaking food is a constant burden in my life as well. I love my husband, but there are some days when I can't wait for him to leave for school, so I can raid the fridge, or run to the grocery store for some scones or whatnot.
• I used to stop at McDonald's daily for a McFlurry or cookies or french fries, etc.
• Dessert is something I believe that I deserve every night.
• I would be accurate when I say I think about my weight every hour at least. 
• I hate myself and find that food gives me a moment of comfort amidst the pain.
• I go to bed thinking about what I could eat in the morning.

These are just a few of the things, but you get the idea. I know I'm not the only one who suffers from this and I envy those of you (my husband...) who only see food as fuel for the body and could take it or leave it. I know that the healthy attitude toward food is somewhere in between those two extremes, but if I could choose, I would choose to be apathetic toward food. Because what I feel is far from comfortable and it eats (haha) at me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

But I know there is help and hope. I mentioned that I have started to go to counseling and that is something we are going to be addressing in those sessions. In my mind, I feel like if I lost all the weight I need to, that my depression would be nonexistent. However, more people have told me that the depression is the underlying issue. I have to "fix" the depression before tackling that addiction. If I don't, I could just move my addictive tendencies on to something else, maybe even more destructive. 

Even as I write these things, I think to myself, "Good grief, Kimberlee. Suck it up! There are people out there who suffer far worse things than this. Man up and get over it." But I know I do have a real problem and it won't go away unless I swallow my shame and embarrassment and confront it head on. 

I had a friend recommend a book to read that helps when it comes to food addiction. The book is Life is Hard, Food is Easy by Linda Spangle. I've started to read it and it has some great information about compulsive eating and emotional eating and how to deal with the underlying problems that manifest themselves through the relationship we have with food. I am really enjoying the book and I hope it will bring some clarity to what I am feeling. I know it won't take the place of a therapist, but I find that it is yet another tool to use in this journey of mine. I would recommend it to anyone who is finding themselves in my situation. 

I will post the cycle of food addiction below. It's sad that every single one of the physical manifestations of addiction are things I think or do on a daily basis. But I have hope!!!! I've got to!!! Because if I didn't there wouldn't be anything to keep me from killing myself slowly. I HAVE to get it under control. It will be a long road, but it's one that I am already on and I'm doing okay. Some days are harder than others, but that's the case in anything life throws at you. 

For all those suffering from similar thoughts or feelings, I urge you to seek help. It's so terribly hard to try to do it on your own. I am finally at a place where I am okay with reaching out to others. As I said before, there is a certain amount of shame and embarrassment associated with it. People are afraid of "fat". It's not socially acceptable these days. Although I firmly believe that society makes those of us who are prone to "thickness" feel like we are subaverage. The only way for me to go is up. And by up, I mean upping my standards of healthy eating and physical fitness. I am here for anyone who wants to ever talk about this or who has questions. Please know you are not alone!

Ok, so on to the "fun" part of the blog. I finally am posting my "before" pictures. Now, let me warn you that they ARE NOT PRETTY!! Haha! But like I said, I have to admit and accept what I am and work from there. I will not stay here! 

(I am super embarrassed to be putting these numbers in print, but whatever. I've got to own up to it!)

Weight before: 265.4 lbs.

ARRRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! <retching noises>

I have my weigh-ins on Mondays, so I will be posting the weekly results on Mondays. I will also periodically post progression pics. 

Take that first step friends! It's always the hardest. Then hang on for dear life! 

Love to you all! 

How my morning is going.....

Morning. A time for calm introspection and quiet solitude to ponder on what this glorious day has to hold for you. When you can bask in the comfort of the warm bed and delicately stretch your muscles to invigorate and prepare you for the motions of the day. What is morning? It is the calm before the storm.

Unless you're a parent. 

Then morning is the unfair outcome of a night of cries over baby monitors, husbands coming to bed way too late, and reflections on the crazy, yet believable dreams you had during the night.

I used to be a morning person. And I still am to a certain extent. But when my son decides that 5:00 is the best time to wake up and demand attention, my enthusiasm for daybreak wanes. A lot. And today was an example of one of those mornings where I would have rather just pulled the blanket over my head and ignored the world. 

I could tell today was going to be a rough one when I woke up. Almost every Saturday is for some reason. And once again, I applaud those who have multiple children. Whether twins or just close in age, more than one child would definitely do me in. I can't handle the one I have and when I think about having another one (something we've been trying to do for about 7 months now), I only feel scared! Haha! I know it's different when the time comes and you adjust to it, just like you adjust to anything, but I feel like at this time in my life, I would really struggle with it. 

Donovan is at the age where I want to lock him in a sound proof closet most of the day. So, to put it in simple terms, this is not the age that makes me want to have another one. Maybe if we had had one a year ago or in a year from now, but Good Golly Miss Molly! Thinking about it now makes me break into hives. Maybe it's a good thing that Heavenly Father is making us wait again. He knows my sanity is lacking right now and I just wouldn't be able to handle it. And I'm ok with that! ;)

This morning has been full of repetitious warnings, scoldings and pleadings. I know two year olds test boundaries and whatnot, but good grief. If I have to tell my son to "Stop sitting on the cat", or "Stop throwing blocks at the cat's head" one more time, I swear my head is going to combust. I'm hoping the novelty wears off soon and he can go more than ten minutes without inflicting physical stress on the cat. :) She's pretty hearty though! And I know she can defend herself with her claws. Just try to mediate between them and it is a full time job.  

So I will end this post with a few uplifting thoughts now. As much as I complain about days like this, I know I am truly blessed to have such a smart, loving and thoughtful son. We waited two years for him and I will forever be thankful to my Father in Heaven for him. I am thankful for a husband who helps out when I'm lacking in patience and understanding. I am thankful for parents and parents-in-law who love us and love our son and spoil him rotten. I hope those reading this don't think I, in any way, regret having my son. There are just hard days. And today was one of them. Donovan is, and always will be, my baby and I love him more than I can ever describe. 

Parenting is hard. But so rewarding. It is hard to be a parent with major depression. It eats at you and makes you all the more sensitive to the little things. And then when you give in and yell or scold or swat, your guilt is ten fold and you feel like the worst parent ever. I'm trying very hard to make myself understand that every parent has days like this and every parent feels the guilt of things said or done in the heat of the moment. It's at these times that I am grateful for repentance and toddlers who love unconditionally. Their snuggles and kisses and hugs just make everything better. So today I may fail as a parent, but tomorrow is brand new! I can make it what I want it to be. And this momma wants it to be full of happiness and patience and praise and love. I can do this! And so can you!

A New Furry Member of Our Family!

So I've been seriously distracted the last two days and it's been because of this little darling! I haven't taken "before" pictures yet and I sincerely apologize for that. They will be up by the end of the week. :) Anyway, I wanted to talk today about Companion/Service Animals for those who have mental health problems. 

Months ago I had a bug put in my ear about getting a companion animal. I hadn't really ever thought about it because my apartment complex doesn't allow pets. I just figured I wouldn't be able to have one. And I had to have my last cat put down about a year and a half ago, so I was not terribly excited about getting another one yet. But I was speaking with a friend who had decided to get a companion animal after a traumatic event in her life and she said it made all the difference in the world. She has a dog though and I knew that the upkeep on a dog in a small apartment would probably make me more stressed than not. So a cat was the logical answer.

At my last doctor's appointment (I have them monthly to monitor my medication intake), I asked her about writing a letter for me to have a pet and she said she would be happy to. I spoke with a few more friends and the consensus was that companion animals helped immensely. I was still on the fence though. 

On Monday, my friend called me and said she was going to go pick up a kitten for her two year old daughter as an early Christmas present. She told me that there was another one that was still available and if I wanted it I could take her. I talked to Shon and he pretty much left it up to me. He was worried that it would stress me out more because of having to take care of her along with Donovan. To be honest, I was nervous about that too and when I got in the car with my friend to go pick up her kitten, I was convinced I was going to wait.

We arrived at the owner's house and OH MY GOODNESS!!! I fell in love with this little girl. She was the runt of the litter and the most curious. The owner had told me that she was her favorite and that she was also the smartest. I called Shon and after a long talk, we decided that she would be right for our family! Yay!

Of course, that meant that I had to scramble to get the doctor's note, all the kitty gear, food and vet appointments made. But I was in heaven! She has been a gift from God, for sure! She is and active, playful little kitten, but she also snuggles and purrs and talks and is just a perfect "companion". 

We got her yesterday and she slept in the bed with us. I was more relaxed and peaceful as I was falling to sleep than I have been in a very long time. I had zero pain! It was incredible! And I have been more cheerful and carefree ever since. Donovan is, of course, learning how to interact with her appropriately, but that is expected. And he's already getting better with her. He kisses her goodnight and says goodbye to her whenever we leave her. He adores her! :)

We had a hard time coming up with a name that Shon and I both agreed on. I let him pick, but I had veto power. We finally settled on "Kya", pronounced, "Ky-yuh", and she was born on September 1.  She is already responding to her name and has fit in perfectly here. She is a blessing and an answer to prayer. If I had known how she would help me, I would have done this months ago. Of course, then I wouldn't have gotten this particular kitten, and I think we were put in each others' lives for a reason. I sincerely believe that! 

I know that maybe a companion animal isn't for everyone, but if any of you have ever thought about it, I highly recommend it. They bring a happiness and lightness to life. Kittens are such adorable little imps and they take a lot of work, but she is so worth it to me. I love her so much already! 

Here is a link to the benefits of a companion animal. Seriously, it has changed my life in just 36 hours. 

http://www.nps.gov/goga/learn/management/upload/Comment-4704-attachment_.pdf

Another AMAZING song!

I love this song! It gives me hope and strength. I know God loves me. That is such a powerfully important part of this journey. Without God, I don't know where I'd be. He leads me, guides me and walks beside me. But I also know why He lets these things happen, and in a way, that knowledge gives me strength as well. He knows I can handle this. And that is comforting to me on most days. I'll be honest and say that there are certainly days when I ask, "WHY???" but that is the natural man part of me poking out. I know He is there for me and I know I can turn to Him whenever I need to. He's waiting for me to reach out to Him. I love my Heavenly Father!