A few things about me. Happy Post! :)

Name?

Kimberlee Camille (DeWitt) Reed

Current Location?

At my computer desk, in my apartment, in Forest Grove, OR

Starting Weight?

(Gee, jump right in, why don't you....)

Starting was 265, Current is 256 

Goal Weight?

For now? I want to get to 200, but ultimately I would like to get to 160 (which, by the way, is still considered overweight for my age and height....pshhh. Whatever)

When do you want to reach your goal by?

I'd like to be at 200 by next fall and 160 by the following fall. <shrug> But really, I'll get there when I get there. I don't want to stress myself out about it. It makes the journey less enjoyable.

When is your birthday?

November 21, 1982

Eye Color?

Green

Hair Color?

Reddish Brown

Height?

5' 5" (I used to be 5' 7" in high school.... I guess I'm already shrinking)

Piercings or tattoos?

Pierced ears, no tattoos

Single or taken?

Married to my love!

  

Right Handed or Left Handed?

Right

Any pets?

One cat, Kya

Your greatest strength?

Ummmmm...... Probably caring for others?? (I hate this question)

Your Weakness?

How long do you have?? ;) Probably not liking myself and putting myself down. (I'm working on it) 

FAVORITES  

Favorite color?

Right now it is Aqua.

Favorite flower?

Gerber daisies

Favorite holiday?

Probably Christmas. But if I lived near family, it would be Thanksgiving.

Favorite physical feature on yourself?

My lips

Your favorite pizza toppings?

Canadian bacon

Favorite guilty pleasure?

Lindt Extra Dark Chocolate Truffles....Mmmmmmm....

  

Favorite place to eat a romantic dinner?

Thai Bamboo, but that's only in Spokane, so probably The Cheesecake Factory, which, ironically, is not in Spokane

Favorite season?

Spring

Favorite cartoon character?

Growing up? I loved Animaniacs

Now (having a small son)? Daniel Tiger

  

Your favorite food?

  Pizza, ice cream, scones. You know. Everything I shouldn't be eating.

Favorite Ice cream flavor?

Chocolate Peanut Butter (Tillamook!!!)

Favorite subject(s) in school?

High School: Choir, AP English, senior year only!

College: Aerobics, Criminology, Eternal Marriage, Humanities

Favorite candy?

Chewy Runts. I haven't found these for years. :(

  

Favorite breakfast cereal?

Will you judge me if I say the Malt O Meal Chocolate Lucky Charm like cereal? Yeah? Ok, so probably Life.

Favorite person in your life?

My hubby, Shon

Favorite book of all time?

Oh gosh.... Can I narrow it down to a series? HARRY POTTER!!!!

  

Favorite song?

The Wheels on the Bus

Just kidding..... I have way too many but

I love Consider the Lilies

Favorite place to be?

At home, with a happy son and husband

Favorite TV show (Still running or ended)?

Um, I seriously can't narrow it down to one.

Pysch

Scrubs

Friends

Monk

Castle

The Office

Sherlock

And many more

  

Your Favorite number?

21

  

Your favorite letter(s) of the alphabet?

R, D, K, S, C, L, M, W,

  

Favorite fast food restaurant?

Subway, probably

What is your favorite part of your life right now?

My boys.

WHICH DO YOU PREFER  

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Duh.... CHOCOLATE!!!

Alcoholic or non?

Non, but it's a really good thing I don't drink at all, because I would probably only want the fruity, blended drinks. Which are super fattening, huh? 

Scary movies or comedies?

Comedies, for sure. Although, I like suspenseful movies too. No blood or guts though. ICK!

Short or long hair?

Ideally, I like short to medium hair. But I get a hair cut like once every two years, so it mostly stays longish.

Croutons or bacon bits?

Bacon bits

Not a crouton fan

Beach or lake?

Depends. If I want privacy, the lake. But the beach is beautiful and I love it!

  

Single or Group Dates?

Both! :)

  

Pepsi or Coke?

Cherry Coke, although I hate soda because carbonation is of the devil. (In my opinion!! Please don't lynch me, my soda drinking friends!)

  

Starbucks or elsewhere?

Starbucks is too expensive. When I was in Spokane, I loved Thomas Hammer's Hot Chocolate. I don't drink coffee though.

  

Dogs or cats?

Love them both! 

DO YOU's  

Do you smoke?

Blech! NO!

  

Do you sing?

In the shower, the car and at church

Do you want to get married?

Again? NO!

Do you believe in yourself?

Some days.

  

Do you get along with your parents?

Yep! They're the best!

Do you drink?

Not alcohol, but I do drink other stuff....

Do you like to travel by plane?

Only short trips, in great weather, with no child on my lap, in a window seat, with someone I know next to me, no turbulence, no coughing or sneezing, my air vent full open and aimed at my face, lots of leg room, no layovers, and no delayed flights. Is that a yes or a no? I'll let you judge.

  

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday morning?

I watch cartoons EVERY. MORNING.

  

Do you have a teddy bear?

Yes! He's warm and cuddly and handsome and sweet and he loves me!

Do you like thunderstorms?

Heck, yes!

  

Do you play an instrument?

I can plink on the piano.

  

Do you consider yourself a party person or more apt to stay at home?

Oh, for sure an "at home" person. 100% 

HAVE YOU EVER  

Have you ever fired a gun?

I shot a few times on my dad's pellet gun when I was like 10. Does that count?

Have you ever loved someone?

Yeah.

Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?

Sure have!

  

Have you ever cried for no reason?

Today? Not so much.

Have you ever cut your own hair?

Just my bangs.

  

Have you ever skipped school?

Are you kidding??? No way! I would get into trouble. Even on Senior Skip Day and the last day of school on my senior year. Granted, I did leave early on the last day when I showed up and the teachers were like, "Um, why are you here? Go home. You're done. Let it go."

  

Have you ever bungee jumped?

Never. The only way I would jump off a perfectly good airplane was if I was dead. So I guess I would be tossed off.....

Have you ever punched someone?

Physically? No

Mentally? More than I can count.  

SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MATURE  

List your top fears: SPIDERS! Rejection, losing someone I love, accidentally being the cause of someone else's death or injury, losing my mind (like dementia, which runs in my family....), and probably a lot more

What bill do you hate paying the most?

Credit card

What did you want to be when you were growing up?

A vet, a teacher, a nurse.

  

What errand/chore do you despise?

Laundry (since we have to take it out of the house to do), dusting and mopping

  

A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?

I always read the end of the book first. And when I see a movie, I will check the internet to see what happens before committing to it. I may or may not have already read spoilers on the new Star Wars movie......

  

How many joints pop when you get out of bed in the morning?

Pretty much all of them.

What do you get every time you go into a Wal-Mart?

The giggles.

  

What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best?

No clue. You tell me. :)

What famous person dead or alive would you like to have dinner with?

 I think it would have been great to be able to meet Gordon B. Hinckley. Would he be considered famous? To me he was.

  

How do you want to die?

Quickly and painlessly. In my sleep would be great.

  

What do you want to achieve in life?

Personal acceptance of all my flaws and patience for all things (especially small children whom I have birthed).

Your most missed memory?

College!!! I miss it sometimes so much that it's a physical ache. Not so much the actual classes, but my friends and my social life and my spiritual saturation.

What goal would you like to achieve this year?

Well, since 2015 is almost over, I'll do it for 2016. I would love to lose weight, get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy and birth, grow in patience and understanding and compassion and ditch some of the unhealthy addictions I have. That's not asking too much, is it? ;)

Who would you like to see right now?

My parents, my siblings, my in-laws and Benedict Cumberbatch (haha).

What books are you reading (if any)?

I'm reading a series by Meg Cabot, the same woman who writes the Princess Diaries. She's a fun author!

  

What are your regrets?

My past parenting skills, my inability to finish something I begin, and eating that muffin yesterday.....

  

What song best describes you?

This is a great question. I'll have to think about it. I'll write a post about it later on.  

SOME RANDOM QUESTIONS  

Do you cheer for the bad guy?

(Gasp!) Of course not!

  

What do you want when you are sick?

NyQuil. Lots and lots of NyQuil.

  

Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?

Outside, while I was camping.

  

What country would you most like to visit?

Idk. Probably England or Ireland.

How many pillows do you sleep with?

One. The cat sleeps on one and Shon sleeps on another.

Well, here it is. I promised a happier post! I hope it's entertaining. I have another few kind of like this that I will be posting along the way. Thank you all for sticking with me! I appreciate it very much! 

I'll post again in a few days. Love to all!

Let's make it a great day!

Week 6 Weight Results

This will be a quick post. It's been quite a day. Shon was supposed to fly to Memphis today to interview with SCO tomorrow for Optometry school. I drove him out to the airport (an hour long drive at 7:30 am), dropped him off and came back to town to do some grocery shopping. I got a text from him while I was shopping saying that his flight had been cancelled and he was going to reschedule his interview. So I checked out, bundled Donovan back up in the car seat (poor kid!) and headed back out to pick him up. Needless to say, all three of us are pretty pooped tonight. So this will be quick. Sorry!

I know I was supposed to post yesterday, but time got away with me and let's face it, I don't have the best news on the weight loss front anyway, so why rush it? Haha! Anyway, here are the numbers:

Current weight: 257.5 lbs.

Weight GAINED this week: 1.3 lbs. (Siiiiiiggggghhhhhh)

Total weight lost: 7.9 lbs.

Now, before I get too upset, I did weigh myself again this morning and I was back down to 256.4 lbs. So..... something screwy is going on with the scale I think. Kinda stinks. I've got to figure out what's wrong with it before next week.

Anyway, my eyes are drooping and I'm making like a million typos and I have to keep deleting and it's ticking me off, so I better get to bed. I'll try to post more tomorrow, although I am babysitting for my friend for most of the day.

Love you all!!

Let's make it a great day!!

Ttthhhhhhhpppppbbbbbbbtttt......

BEWARE

This post contains the following:

*Venting

*Complaining

*Selfishness

*Despair

*Lots of raw emotions put into words

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!

________________________________________

Well, the day has come. I was told by my counselor that I would have days like this. 

You know the ones I'm talking about......the relapse days? 

The ones where you feel like you've taken a thousand steps forward, just to take two thousand steps backwards. The ones where you think maybe you're not doing so well after all. The ones where Satan is poking you all day long and just snickering behind your back because he knows you are aware of and falling for his dastardly ploys. 

It was bound to happen. I mean, no one can stay positive every day, forever. And I think I've done pretty good so far. And I am going to blame me getting sick on the majority of it. I feel like I have to, in order to keep trying to press forward. 

I also have a feeling that my "taking this week with a vengeance" plan with Weight Watchers has also gone by the wayside. Pretty sure I won't have good numbers to post for tomorrow. 

Oh and my husband leaves on Tuesday morning for Memphis and won't be back until midnight Wednesday night. Not looking forward to that. The only time we've spent nights apart was when my grandma died while I was pregnant with Donovan. So this will be the first day and night and day with Donovan by myself. I'm 40% sure that one of us will be either dead or comatose by the time Shon gets back. No joke. Watch for my name and picture on the news. ;) 

Also, I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate this last month. Sorry if that's TMI for some of you (I'm looking at you, my male readers.....). Although, with the way my son is screaming and carrying on upstairs in his bedroom (he's in time out for like the 20th time today), I'm in the "maybe one kid is all I can handle" mode. Seriously, folks, does it ever get better??????? He is a cute, intelligent, and charming, but VERY crazy two year old.

It will get better.

It has to.

I really wish that I could get to the place where I even know what to do with him. Like activity wise. 

Everyday. 

All day. 

I remember when I was pregnant, I would get on Pinterest and pin these cute, fun, creative activities and ideas all over the freaking place, but now that he's at the age where some of those would be fun, all I can see is: That is going to make the biggest mess. My house is a disaster and I have no desire to clean it up because I know he will wake up from his nap and turn the disaster switch back on. 

Oh look! Play dough activities? Fun! Let's get it out and..... oh crap, he just ate like half the container! Oh jeez! Now he's feeding it to the cat. Well let's try to divert his attention. Look Donovan! Here's some cookie cutters! Do you see the star that mommy made? Isn't that neat? Would you like to try? No? You would rather crush the play dough into the carpet? Ooookkkkk.... Well, let's get the vacuum out and clean it up. Oh wait, you freak out when I get the vacuum out. And daddy isn't here to hold you. Mmmmmm. Well maybe if I do it quickly..... (Turn on the vacuum) It's ok honey, it will just be a minute..... Oh man, Ok, hang on. Let me put it away. (As he cries and shakes and pretty much vomits all over the floor). Well, I guess I'll wait to do that until Daddy is home. 

So let's put the play dough away and color. Would you like to color? No? Well let's try it. Donovan, please don't throw all the crayons on the floor. Please stop throwing them at the cat!!!! Can you please help mommy clean up the crayons? Maybe just get one or two out at a time? Oh, whoops! I just stepped on a few and broke them in half. Shoot. Oh well. "Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere. Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share!" Donovan, please stop putting the crayons in the printer. That is not where they go. Where do we use crayons? On paper, right? Or my desk.... Yeah that works too..... Ok, time to put the coloring away (since he has yet to show any interest in actually coloring on paper). How about we read a book?

Go pick a book and I'll read it to you. Or you can read it to me! (He goes and picks out a book). Ok, let's see. Oh, you don't want me to read it? You just want to look at the pictures? Ok, no problem, whatever keeps you happy. And, we're done already.... Ok, go get another one. No? And there he goes..... off to play with his trucks. Well that's cool! Maybe I can sit down and get something done, or more likely, catch up on Facebook or play some Sudoku on my phone. (Get's comfortable on the couch). 

OUCH!!!! Donovan, how many times do I have to tell you that you CANNOT throw your trucks at mommy's head??!??!?! It hurts and it's not nice! If you do it again, you're going to time out. Now please stop it and play quietly. (I get through a game of Sudoku). 

WHACK! 

Rrrooooooaaawwwwww!!!! 

DONOVAN ALEXANDER!!! Did you just throw a truck at the cat????? Ok, time out. Let's go! (Drag him up the stairs) Shut him in his room, where he immediately starts jumping on his bed, playing in the blinds, drumming on every surface. Which is fine with me, because I just recently took EVERYTHING out of his room except the furniture and his monitor and nightlight, so he really can't get into much trouble. 

After a few minutes (although, to be completely honest, sometimes it's more like 15-20 if he's not screaming his head off, because maybe he just needs some alone time), I go up and talk to him about why he's in time out. 

M: "Donovan, are you going to be a good boy now and not throw your toys?"

D: "I be good boy."

M: "Can you say you're sorry to Kya?"

D: "Sorry Kya."

M: "Do you know why you got in trouble? You got in trouble because you threw your truck at Kya and it hurt her. You need to remember that she is a lot smaller than you and you hurt her when you do that. You don't want to hurt Kya, do you?"

D: (mumbles something about garbage trucks and clocks)

M: "Are you ready to do what mommy tells you?"

D: (mumbles something about lights and doors)

M: "Ok, you know I love you. Can I have a hug and kiss please?"

D: (leans in and gives me a kiss and comes forward into my arms for a hug)

M: "Thank you sweetie. Let's go downstairs and find something to do, ok?"

D: (runs down the stairs)

He grabs his trucks and goes to the table to start playing. He usually does not want me to play with him when he's playing with his trucks. I'm not sure why. Maybe I don't do it right..... But I know that is his indication that he wants to play alone. I lay back on the couch or sit down at the piano. All is well until.......

"DONOVAN REED!!!! Did you just sit on the cat????!??!?!?! WHAT DID WE JUST TALK ABOUT??????"

And so on....

This is just a small glimpse at what this kid does all day long. He has no middle ground. He is either going 100 mph or sleeping. And for an overweight, depressed, anxious and borderline personality disorder momma, it makes for a HARD time. 

Now I know I am NOT anywhere NEAR to being a perfect parent. And I am not too proud to say that I haven't even opened Pinterest in more than 6 months, but there are times (more than I care to count) when I seriously don't know what to do with him! 

And up until recently, my anxiety about crowds and public and not having clothes that fit or hair that works or whatever it may be, has prevented me from even wanting to get out and do anything outside of the house. And I wonder if that is a lot of the problem. Little boys are meant to go outside and get dirty and play with bugs and eat mud, right? I so wish we had an enclosed backyard, where I would feel safe letting him out to play. We have a back patio, but it is so small and he is definitely not able to be let out to play around the complex without me trying to keep up with him. And let me tell you right now. I can't keep up with him. Period. He also doesn't listen when I tell him to stop, so I can't even let him let go of my hand when we're out and about, for fear of him getting hit by a car.

And I know this sounds like I'm making up a lot of excuses. I am. I just sometimes wonder if I was meant to even be a mom. I mean, do all moms have this level of exasperation? Or is my son just super special and that combined with my insecurities and obvious issues just a recipe for unhappiness? 

Before I get all "Debby Downer" on everyone (too late), I do just want to tell you that most of the time, I am able to work past the feelings of desperation that come almost everyday and see that he is just a two year old. That he doesn't understand or know how he feels or how to put it in words. That he is such a small person to be having such big feelings and he just can't seem to control them. That he generally does not WANT to upset me. That he generally WANTS to be good. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Here's a "Happy Moment" break. 

Mommy and Donovan being silly on Photo Booth

_________________________________________________________________________________

 Toddlers are rough. They're selfish (but so am I), they're emotional (um, also me), they're accident prone (if me dropping everything multiple times counts), they're full of energy (this one I am certainly NOT), and they're pretty much just starting out in life (again, certainly not me). But they are also so very sweet, loving, adorable, funny, smart and so, so innocent. Which, I think, the world could use more of. I know they don't stay that way, so I have to constantly tell myself to breathe and relax and unclench and take a step back. 

I just really wish I could remember to do those things when it really, truly matters. Like in the middle of one of his tantrums, or when I'm pulling my hair out because he wants to watch "Mater's Tall Tales" for the twelfth time today. 

See, even just writing this post has calmed me down. I think we all need to just vent every once in a while. And I'm so thankful I have a platform in which I can do that. (Sorry for all of those who think I'm always venting and complaining and whatnot). I promise to try to get better!!! 

I've gotten some great advice from loved ones and friends and other mothers who have been through the same things. So please, if you have advice, let me know. I think the majority of my problems would rectify themselves if I wasn't so darn lazy when it came to some things. And that is one of the MANY things I am going to work on. One step at a time. 

Today is just a day.

Tomorrow is a new one.

And I intend to make it a great one!

Who is with me????

Week 5 Weight Results and Where I Have Been The Last Week.....

Sorry I've been absent here the last week or so. I've been up to my eyebrows trying to keep a two year old and a kitten away from and out of the Christmas tree. And I have failed miserably. Which is why the tree is in three pieces on the floor and the lights and ornaments have made their way into a temporary box home until such a time when I feel like trying again. I will for sure make sure it's up for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. But that is all I can promise at this point. I have also been dealing with a toddler who has perfected his "terrible two-ness" and who feels like exhibiting it in fairly regular intervals. You know, in the bathtub, at 2:00 am, in the grocery store, during meal times, during diaper changes, etc. And I will pay someone $10 right now if they will come make sure this kid gets dressed without an all out WWF-esque beatdown. Guess who wins pretty much every time? Not me..... 

Shon is also finishing up his last semester this week. Today is his last day of school and he has two finals that will all be done by next Monday. He will officially be a college graduate! Yay! Then we get to figure out Optometry School, which he will start this next fall. He is flying out to Memphis, TN next week to interview at SCO there. Our top choice, of course, is Pacific University. I really don't relish the idea of moving across the country, but SCO is number two. Hopefully we will know by February where we will be for the next three plus years. Tennessee scares me a little bit because they have BIG BUGS!!! What the junk???? Can't do big bugs. And heat. And Memphis just happens to be like the #3 dirtiest city in the country...... So...... yeah. But, to be fair, the school and faculty are amazing and they have the state of the art new technology, while Pacific is still using the older style of equipment. So I guess I will go where it is best for the hubs. We'll have to weigh the pros and cons. SCO has been SUPER interested in him though. It's been pretty impressive how the have been in contact, so we'll see. 

I have been hanging in there emotionally and physically. I think this medication is really what I have needed, because I have had more good days than bad, for sure! Woohoo! Now on to getting pregnant. But that's a lot more fun than the other stuff I've had to deal with. ;) Except I'll probably need help in that area too. Sigh. Come on body, just do what you've done once before. Just one more time! You can do it! Since having Donovan, I've had two different doctors tell me that I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, so the fact that we got pregnant naturally the first time (even after two years of trying) is pretty miraculous! So I'm so thankful for that! :) My OBGYN has talked to me about starting an ovulation drug, which I'd be ok with. I have to do a little more research and talk to her again about it though, because the info online says that it increases the likelihood of having twins. A one in ten chance. And you all know how well I would do with twins....... I mean, if it happens, it happens, but yikes!!! And I know Shon is concerned about that as well, just because of how it would probably put me back a few steps in my little journey I'm making. So many things to think about!!! But we'll go with the flow. :)

Onto Weight Results

I'm not going to lie. I was disappointed in my results this week. I had REALLY hoped to get to the 10 pound mark. No such luck. So this week I am refocusing with a vengeance! I know there were things that got in my way last week, and those things are no longer present, so I should have no trouble, right? Right......

Current weight: 256.2 lbs.

Weight lost this week: 0.6 lbs.

Total weight lost: 9.2 lbs.

So close and yet so far. Sigh. I sure hope I can make up for it this week. We'll see!

Well, I'm going to end the blog here. I am super tired tonight and my son has been quite the scalawag the last couple of days. Love him to pieces, but good grief! But just when I think I can't take anymore, he'll come up and give me a sweet kiss or stretch his arms out to me and say, "See me?" Which is our little code for snuggle time. I do love the snuggle time! It is just never long enough. :)

Stay tuned for the next post. Sorry it's been so sporadic lately. But I am still committed to this blog and talking about different subjects. Thank you all!

Let's make it a great day!

Week 4 Weight Results

Thanksgiving week. Thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving leftovers. 

All of these things are wonderful....and terrible at the same time. Especially for someone wanting to lost weight. My absolute favorite part of the traditional Thanksgiving dinner?

Stuffing.......

and

Pumpkin Pie (with REAL whipped cream)

and

Rolls

and 

Green Bean Casserole

and

Mashed Potatoes......

Sadly enough, turkey is not my favorite meat, but even it tastes amazing alongside all the other yumminess. This is the official beginning of the "Holiday Season" which alarmingly refers mostly to the baked goods and savory meals that accompany the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. And let me tell you, every year I look forward to the influx of PUMPKIN everything. It's like a pumpkin mated with every tasty, comforting, and favorite food I love. And it is A-MAZ-ING!!!! It's the time for pumpkin pie Blizzards from Dairy Queen. It's the time for pumpkin spice hot chocolate from Starbucks. It's the time for pumpkin muffins, donuts, scones, cookies, etc. from the grocery stores. And it also coincides with my birthday, so.... I'm pretty sure that God intended me to partake. Am I right? I think so.

 It is also the time when my baking and cooking whims come out to play. With a vengeance. I would bake maybe five times throughout the rest of the year, but after Halloween, I'm pretty sure I am inhabited by some dearly departed Rachael Ray-ish baking ghost. There's just something about this time of year. Makes me want to fill the house with soft, chewy, sweet delights. Mmmmm.....

I tell you all this to make a point.

My point is: Holiday food is good.

And I like to eat it.

And my body is the unwilling victim of my pumpkin addiction.

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful. And there are so many things for me to be thankful for this year. My wonderful, loving family. My Heavenly Father and Jesus. My friends. My home, clothes, indoor plumbing, hot water, warm blankets, and all the other luxurious in life.

So I should be thankful for my body too, right??
Even if I may have gained a few pounds, right??

Well, all I have to say about that question is:

IN YOUR FACE HOLIDAY WEIGHT GAIN (so far)!!!!

Because, friends, here are my results for the last week.

Current weight: 256.8 lbs.

Weight lost this week: 2.7 lbs.

Total weight lost: 8.6 lbs.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was as surprised as many of you may be at this point! But I'm not going to argue. Truth be told, I was very conscious of what I made and ate. My favorite thing is stuffing. I make it from scratch, using my mom's recipe and it is DE-LIGHT-FUL!! But you know, not the best for my butt. And my boys aren't the biggest fans of stuffing in general, so I just didn't make it. Was I a little sad? Heck, yes! But with it just being the three of us, it was so much easier to just not make it. I did, however, make green bean casserole (Shon's favorite) and partook of that. And rolls. SOOO many rolls!!! Haha! And yes, I did have pumpkin pie with whipped cream. And I ain't even sorry! But I watched my portions and did my best to abstain from my trigger foods.

And I must have done something right. I'm happy. :)

This next week, my main focus will be on drinking LOTS of water. I've noticed that I haven't been doing that as much as I should. And when I have in the past, it really makes all the difference. So I will make sure the toilet paper in our bathroom is well stocked and try to drink a whole gallon a day. I'm looking for clear urine, people!!! ;)

Now, I cannot guarantee that every week this winter will have these results. And I'm ok with that. I am just happy with last week's results because I tried hard to be good. But you know, cookies are good and I'm bound to cheat and not lose as much as I would like. Right now, in fact, there are pumpkin (see? In everything!) cheesecake bars sitting in my fridge that are calling my name. And I'm sure a few of those will meet their tragic end in my tummy at some point today. It's all about moderation. Just like the Word of Wisdom tells us. Moderation in all things.

My problems from before stem from the fact that I did not moderate. If I wanted something I ate it. Not really caring about what I might have eaten earlier in the day or week. I gave in to my urges. Had no self control. And that is what made me hate myself, which perpetuates the cycle. It is horrible! :( Worst feeling ever. But there is a way to break the cycle. It starts with recognizing the problem and then doing everything in your power to fight that urge. Believe me, it is SOOO much easier to give in. It feels so much better. At first. But then the guilt sets in and it just drives you further into the self loathing feelings that I'm just now starting to work through.

So if you're struggling, please know that you're not alone and there is a way out. I remember before I started on this journey, how hearing that from people would irritate me to the point of wanting to lash out at something. I wanted to shout that they had no idea what I was going through and it's not that easy and there is no way I can ever do what they are doing. I know how it feels to lose all hope. I know how it feels to fight the inner war of whether to slowly destroy yourself or valiantly trying to heave yourself onto the harder route of trying to saving yourself. Let me tell you. It is worth the fight. It is worth it to choose the harder path. Nothing that is good for you will come easily. That has been the most difficult thing for me to wrap my mind around. I am a notoriously lazy person and I did not want to try that hard. Which is why I was so close to destruction before I ripped myself away from that lifestyle. Granted, I have my own set of mental issues which haven't helped, but I am bound and determined to make a change. I have to. It will not be easy. But it will be worth it. Another familiar phrase, huh? ;)

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox and let you nice people get on with your day. Thank you all for your support and love. Thank you for those who have posted comments, or chatted with me, or texted me. Your messages help me more than you could ever know! I'm sorry if I haven't responded to them all, but know that every word has been read and taken to heart and appreciated. You all give me the strength to continue. I am loving this blog, not only because it discusses important issues, but it also helps me in my healing process. It keeps me accountable. I know I have to report my results to all of you and that helps me stay on track as well. So each one of you have, in some way, helped save me. And I will never be able to thank you enough for that precious gift.

Love you all!

Let's make it a great day!!

Let's get real for a moment. Part Three.

**DISCLAIMER**

THIS NEXT POST WILL REVEAL AND DISCUSS SELF HARMING THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS. 

Thankfully, the physical harm done to my person was minimal. My thoughts, on the other hand, are quite disturbing, even for me to reminisce on. 

So please, if you think it will be hard or cause undo stress or anxiety, take a moment to ponder whether you want to continue to read this post. The last thing I want to do is dredge up past unhappiness or bring any unwanted, painful memories to surface again. 

I understand that some people will find this post informational and interesting, others may find it cathartic in some way, and yet others may find it difficult to swallow. 

So please proceed with caution. 

This story will be in at least three segments. I will post this disclaimer before each one. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

This will be the final segment in this series of posts. It has been an illuminating ride thus far and I wish I could find words to express how much I appreciate all the love, support, understanding, sympathy, and general acceptance that I have felt from you all. It has made this process much easier and less painful than it could have been. I know that this is just my story and that it might not speak to many of you, but just putting it into words has been extremely cathartic. Not just for my healing process, but for family history purposes as well. I do not write in a journal, but this blog has certainly helped me to get what I'm feeling into print. It is something I can go back and read over and over again as I move forward and hopefully upward with my life. So thank you all for humoring me and again, for your amazing encouragement. I love you all. 

Ok, so this is the post where I get really real. I will talk about self harm in this post. Please, please be aware of this as you read. If it starts to get too uncomfortable or painful, please do not continue. The last thing I want is to unwittingly cause grief to someone when my main mission is to inform and teach and help.

So there I was. Going through the motions of life and motherhood but not really feeling anything. I was a shell of what I used to be. Things that brought me joy before were no more than annoyances now. I was constantly tired. Constantly cranky and withdrawn and liable to verbally attack anyone who made a wrong move around me. I'm sure my husband walked around on eggshells during my rough days. And I could always tell whether it was going to be a rough day from how I felt when I woke up. It wasn't whether or not I would have some "hard times" during the day, it was whether the WHOLE day was ruined for me and everyone in my wake. I had gotten to the point where it was either a bad day or a good day. Nothing in between. That's a hard way to live. And the weirdest thing was that I knew I was being unreasonable, but I just could not find the desire to care anywhere inside of me. It was seriously like I was dead inside. 

Starting in August of this year, Shon and I both decided that the medication I was on was probably not doing it's job anymore. So I started visiting my doctor. And we tried a series of different drugs. The sucky thing about that though, is that it takes a while to wean off the current drug and entirely onto the new one. My visits to the doctor's office were only once a month or so. Which meant that I had a month or more to deal with how the drug made me feel. And for the first little while, it would make a difference. But only for a while. 

The first new one I tried killed my libido. And for a couple who is trying to conceive a child, this caused problems. I didn't want my husband to look at, kiss or even touch me. I did everything I could to make excuses or feign sleepiness or blame my time of the month on it. But the annoying thing about it was that the act of "shunning" my husband would only make me feel worse, because I would start to think about how it is affecting him and how it's obviously not working for conception and whatnot. So even when I was thinking I was protecting myself, I was actually digging myself deeper and deeper. Self fulfilling prophecy, as they say. I couldn't figure out what I wanted more. To be left alone physically, or to get pregnant. 

Anyone who knows me, knows that I want another kid. Some days, the word "want" is a little strong, but I feel like we have another child that is supposed to be in our family. So when I say that it got to the point where I didn't want another child and I didn't think I could keep the child I had, it shows how deep I had fallen. I would cry during the day and just wonder how I could give Donovan back. Like, I would actually think about how many couples ended up giving their child up for adoption just because they couldn't handle it anymore. Now I know that sounds crazy and please believe me when I say that I WOULD NEVER, EVER DO THAT, but in the midst of all the feelings, it had crossed my mind a few times.

It also crossed my mind that Shon would be better off without me too. And there was a time when I seriously thought he might take Donovan and leave me. Looking back, I know I was just being paranoid and projecting my fears openly, but I remember actually having a conversation with Shon about it. Begging him to not take our child and leave. Thinking about how, if they did leave, I would kill myself because there wouldn't be anything else left for me. I was in a very dark place.

At the next doctor's appointment, I started a new drug that was supposed to help with libido again. And it did. For a week. I actually felt pretty good for that week. And then, just like a light switch, it stopped. I had such a crazy cocktail of drugs in my system, that I didn't even know which side effect was from which drug. It was while I was on this drug (Wellbutrin), that I started to experience the all consuming rages and self harming thoughts. 

Laundry day for us is always highly stressful. I wait until we're practically out of everything before I do it. Because we don't have a washer and dryer in our apartment, we have to walk everything over to the laundry room across the complex. It's just always an ordeal and usually an all day chore. I hate it. A lot. But it was on one such laundry day, when I had my first "blind rage". I call it that because I usually don't know where it comes from, but it hits me super hard. And the smallest thing can set in motion a chain of events that leaves the members of my family fleeing for cover. The funny thing is that I don't really remember what that small incident was, but I do remember standing at the bottom of our stairs, holding Donovan's laundry basket and being so consumed with rage that I was grinding my teeth, visibly shaking and getting lightheaded. I felt like I was going to pummel anyone who got in my way. I was able to hold onto control for the most part at that point and I could feel a small amount of personal worry underneath that thick, strong layer of seething redness. 

I went and started the laundry, came back home and ran up to my room. I was still SO ANGRY!! I paced the upstairs trying to calm down, but nothing was working. Every time I told myself to take deep breaths and try to relax, it was like a devil was inside of me throwing a tantrum and rebelling against any rational method of calming. 

This was the time that, for the first time in my life, I started to wonder if hurting myself would help. Before this, I had never quite understood how people could cut themselves. It seemed like a silly thing to do. I mean, doesn't that make you hurt even more??? But in this moment, it came to my head and it seemed like..... a relief. Like if I cut myself, I would be able to release some of the misery inside of me. Let it bleed out of me. Because that is what cutting does for people. It makes them feel something. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to have something to focus on and not stride aimlessly around, trying to get rid of the weight on my back. 

But I was upstairs and my boys were downstairs. Knives and scissors were not readily available for use. (Thank goodness!). So instead, I grabbed the first thing I could find that had a somewhat sharp edge. A comb. And this comb had super sharp teeth on it. It was one that we never used because it was too sharp on our heads. And before I knew what had happened, I had taken that comb and in another moment of unendurable anger, I raked it down the inside of my arm. It left red welts and scratch marks, but did not break the skin. Over and over I brought it down my arm. And with every swipe, I could feel my self calming down. What was also weird, was that I don't really remember feeling any pain. It was seriously just cathartic in a way. So now I knew what made people want to do it. I didn't even bleed, but I could almost feel all those feelings being swept away. 

But then I started to worry about what Shon would say when he saw the marks. So I made sure I was wearing long sleeves and then laid on my bed for about an hour, hoping the marks would subside. And they did a little. During this hour, I gave no thought to my son and whether or not I was inconveniencing my husband by disappearing. All I wanted was peace. I wanted to not be there. It's a strange feeling to not feel anything. I just didn't care. 

After that day, I began to try to find other ways to discreetly hurt myself. I would pull my hair until it was unbearable. I would pinch myself until I couldn't stand it. I would bite my tongue. Hold my breath. Dig my fingernails into my skin until dark purple marks would be left. But I never actually used anything sharp enough to break the skin or leave scars. I kinda felt victorious in that. Like I was able to do these things and no one would ever know. 

My desire to do anything was nonexistent. I didn't care about cooking or cleaning or anything. The TV was Donovan's babysitter and I would lay on the couch and get crackers or fruit snacks or whatever out once in a while for him to eat. I would put him down for a nap at 11:00 and he wouldn't fall asleep until 1:00 and then sleep until 3:00. So I usually had about 3-4 hours of "kid free" time and in my mind that wasn't enough. I have the most patient and loving and caring and understanding husband ever, and all I wanted was for him to stay at school, so I could be by myself and engage in these self destructive behaviors. I was also eating everything I could. I didn't care about the consequences and it was like I was fueling my fire and giving myself more things to hate about myself so that I could continue to self destruct. The future was not something I worried about anymore. In my mind I knew I wouldn't be around much longer anyway. But even with that "knowledge", I couldn't even get up the desire to change anything. There were days that I wished I could just die. To not feel anything. To be blissfully unaffected by mental anguish. I literally thought that everyone would be better without me. It was my gift to them. No more Kimberlee to be burdened with. 

I got to the point that I knew I had to do something, or I would start drawing the blood and leaving the scars. But when I was in this apathetic hell, it was so easy to do nothing. To just continue in my own sabotage. It would take an effort to try to change. To try to get better. And I just didn't have it in me. I remember the clarifying moment when I was able to snap out of it for just a second and realize that I was on a VERY destructive path. I was in the kitchen and having one of my episodes. Donovan was being particularly demanding and Shon was in school and I was tired and hurting and just ready to shut down. I remember looking over at the knife block and seeing all the knives just sitting there.

 How easy would it be to just grab one? Give myself a little knick and see how shedding blood would really feel. I stared at it for a long time. Then something inside of me started screaming for me to back up and get out of the kitchen. So I did. To this day, I don't know exactly "who" or "what" was screaming inside of me, but I am forever grateful for listening and getting out of there. I'd like to think it was the Holy Ghost, and maybe screaming was the only way to get my attention at that point. 

And I also found the strength that day to sit down and tell Shon everything. He was so worried about me. I could tell he was worried for my well being and our son's. He said that he would throw every knife away if he ever saw or heard me doing anything like that again. It was at this time that he told me I needed mental help. So at my next doctor's appointment, I set up a consult with a counselor. This would be my first step in emerging from the darkness.

One of the things I started to do was wear a rubber band around my wrist and when I felt like hurting myself, I would just snap that. It still gave me the relief through the sting of pain, but it didn't do what cutting does to a body. I also became very forward with Shon and let him know if I thought I was going to have a bad day. Gave him a head's up, so he could be more observant and be able to intercept anger inducing triggers. He has been such a blessing through this whole thing. And if I didn't know if he truly loved me or not before, I certainly know now. No one would stay with someone like me if he didn't really love me. He cried with me and held me and was there for me. And I will always love him for that and yet never be able to repay him for it too. I love that man..... <3

Since those days, I have finally found a medication that is working for me. I have been visiting a counselor, who has helped me visualize things that have helped me cope with my problems, I have started Weight Watchers, I have started this blog and have gotten a therapy kitty. I'm all in. I want to change. I want to get better. I will always be on some kind of medication. Depression and anxiety are not things that you simply "get over". But I have surrounded myself with coping mechanisms and support and love and victory! I am in a much better place right now. I wake up looking forward to what the day has to bring, rather than wish it would always be night. I am able to enjoy time with my husband and son, rather than wish them away. Writing this blog has been unimaginably helpful. Never in my wildest dreams, would I have thought it would be received this way. I find myself cringing and embarrassed about some of the things I have written, but I know I need to be candidly honest in order to help others. This is something that needs to be talked about. This is something that needs to be shared. It shouldn't be something that one is ashamed of. Just like a diabetic needs insulin to survive, so does someone with a mental disorder need medication to help regulate them. 

Depression does not need to be a death sentence. I ache for those who are still trying to find the light and get the help they need. I know that it wasn't until I WANTED to change, that I did. And I am not saying I still don't have hard days. There are still times when I hate myself and wish I could be better or prettier or skinnier. I still sometimes feel the actual physical aches and pains that accompany depression. I still occasionally find myself thinking that everything would be better if I wasn't afflicted with this disease. But I am also able to push through the fog and see the light at the end of the tunnel. That makes all the difference. I am surrounded by family and friends who love me and support me and pray for me. We all need that. 

Here is my wish. If you know anyone, in your family, a friend or even yourself, that has any mental disorder, please be there for them. It's so hard to do it alone. They may push back at you. They may rage at you. Say horrible things to you. But be there for them. The decision to get on the track to medication and therapy and a healthy life has to be made by them. And it is so desperately hard to make that decision when everything around you is fighting it. Be that person who never gives up on someone. You never know what a new day will bring. Today may be that day that they want to take that first step. I am so grateful, every day, that I have a husband who did not give up on me. It would have been soooooooo much easier and less painful for him to walk away. And I was NOT nice to him a lot of the time. But he stood by me. He was gentle. He was understanding. And when I needed him to be, he was strong and firm with me. I never felt attacked by him. But I also knew he wasn't giving up on me. I can't imagine how truly scary it must have been for him to see me this way. So for all those spouses or family members of people suffering, please don't give up! They need you! 

I am so very grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me. He knows me. He knows what I'm feeling and He knows the limits of my body. But He also knows that I would have these problems in life and has blessed me with those people who have helped me make it through. I admit, my relationship with Him has been tested in these last couple years. But I have never stopped believing that He could hear me and that He was weeping with me. There are times I know for sure that He was carrying me. And I will always love Him for that.

So here's to another, more cheerful, chapter in my life! I am ready, baby!!! I have so much time to make up for. And I am truly so grateful to be here. To have been one of the lucky ones. To teeter on the edge of something truly frightening and be able to find myself backing away from the ledge, rather than falling in. It is a heady feeling. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. Mental illness sucks. But through the power of the Atonement, we can make it through. Just think. Jesus Christ felt every single feeling I have had. Every single tear I have shed, He has shed. Every scratch, every poke, every bruise, He has experienced. And for what? For me. And you. And all of us. I know that the pain and anguish I felt was nothing compared to what He felt. Yet while I was in the midst of it, it was unbearable. Never before had I thought so much about what the suffering in the Garden must have been like. Sure, I always thought of the pain He felt as physical. I never really truly thought about how He felt all the mental, spiritual and emotional pain too. By going through this experience, I will never be able to think about the Atonement again without thinking of them all. I love my Savior. I love my Heavenly Father. I love my husband and my son. And I love each one of you. Please know that I am here for any of you who need to talk or have questions or just need someone to listen while you cry. I am here. I am not going anywhere. And I love you. 

Thank you for sticking with me through my story. I tried to be as honest as I could, and once again, I am sorry if I offended anyone. That is not my intention. You are all so great and I am truly blessed to have you in my life.   

 

Lyrics

1. 1. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
   Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
   I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
   That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
2. (Chorus)
   Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
   Enough to die for me!
   Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
3. 2. I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
   To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
   That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
   Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.
4. 3. I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
   Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
   No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
   Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.
5. 
   
6. Text and music: Charles H. Gabriel, 1856-1932