Hello friends!
Once again, I allowed too much time to pass between posts. But I'm blaming "time" itself. It just goes too quickly and for someone who is, by nature, a slow moving sloth, I've discovered that time is definitely NOT on my side.
Like right now: I not only have a sink full of dishes to do, but a KITCHEN FULL of dishes to do. I haven't mopped the kitchen floor in months and forget about me vacuuming the living room. I finally did get around to cleaning the toilet and sink in the bathroom, but still have to get to the shower, tub, mirror and floor. If you walked into my home right now, you would see piles of dirty laundry, an embarrassingly dirty couch, clutter piled on clutter and toys shoved in every free spot in the room.
I also have a toddler climbing on my back as I try to type and a cat that thinks she's playing a game with me wherein she tears around the room and then launches herself on the desk where I am typing and tries to catch the cursor or mouse arrow until I get frustrated enough that I pick her up and throw her on the nearby couch. Only for her to tear off again and start the process all over again. So it's a wonder how I am even able to get these words out.
And forget about it being the last day of February. Because I'm still on the second week in January in my mind. I think about the resolutions I set and think that I'm only a week behind. But then I glance at the calendar or notice the pretty pink flowers blooming on the tree outside the window and it suddenly crashes down on me that we're fast approaching spring and I am not a week behind as much as I am a MONTH behind. Good grief.
Speaking of resolutions, the New Year was full of enthusiasm and excitement for the future. I knew that 2016 was going to be a great year. And I guess it still could be, but since the end of January, it's been a little more devastating than refreshing.
For lots of little reasons, really.
But for one BIG one, too.
I had a miscarriage.
Wow, even now, almost a month after it happened, it's almost surreal to talk about. All the emotions and grief and just plain old anger have manifested themselves in some very strange ways.
You probably all noticed that I stopped posting weight loss results.
For good reason, right? I was pregnant, so technically, I shouldn't be trying to lose weight. Although I did continue to lose a little because I was trying to eat better for the baby. And my doctor said that would be fine, considering I am "morbidly obese". I just couldn't be TRYING to lose weight anymore.
But I couldn't really announce anything because of the timeframe where miscarriage is more common is the first 12 weeks.
So I didn't say anything and just talked about needing to take some time and that I would be back.
And here I am!
But without the baby announcements that most people look forward to.
It has been hard. I try to be strong and put on a brave, "it-happened-for-a-reason" face, but inside it's still a pretty raw emotion. There aren't many tears anymore though. It just quietly festers under a thin layer of denial and fear of being a burden or a downer to everyone.
I've only told a few friends and family. And I struggle even now to make it public for fear of starting a tidal wave of condolences and sympathies that I just don't have the energy to handle. I hope that doesn't offend anyone, because that is not my intent. I'm very grateful for everyone's kind words and support. It's just easier for me to say I'm doing ok and I don't need anything than give into the well of feelings inside of me. For example, I am one of those kinds of people who holds it together well until someone sweetly comes up, gives me a hug and asks how I'm doing. Then the waterworks begin and my vulnerability is gushing out like the geysers in Yellowstone Park.
And I don't like feeling vulnerable.
After almost six years of marriage, I still have a hard time allowing my husband to see me that way. So to put myself out like this is super hard.
But throughout all of this that has been happening, one thing has been a constant. I feel my Heavenly Father's love for me. I feel Him grieving with me. I don't know all the answers about how miscarriage is handled in the next life and if I will have the opportunity to raise the child there or not, but the comfort I have received from God has seriously been the best calming influence thus far. He has helped me feel that I am loved and has given me the best gift I could ask for at this point.
Peace.
Even the day after it happened, when I was in shock and crying and wondering why this happened, I was filled with a peace and a testimony that everything was going to be ok.
And I believed Him.
That doesn't mean I still don't struggle. I still get a little weepy as I walk through department stores and see racks of baby clothes. I still feel a little twinge when I hear about friends getting pregnant. And I still wonder every so often whether it would have been a girl or a boy and what we would have named him/her.
But the peace always sneaks back in, even if I want to wallow and "rent my clothes" and "gnash my teeth". And then I think about others who have gone through the same thing and I begin to feel humbled.
One in four.
Those are the chances of having a miscarriage.
So think of all your friends and one out of every four of them potentially has lost a child that they never got to meet.
Another thing that helps is hearing and seeing how others have gone through the same thing and how they went on to have healthy babies, or even just the knowledge that I'm not alone. I never knew how many women go through this until it happened to me. And my heart breaks for each and every one of them.
It was sad to think about miscarriage before it happened to me. But now, it's so much more than sad.
Was it something I did?
Could I have prevented it?
Will it happen again?
And of course we all know the answers to those questions, but they are the natural thoughts when something happens like this. I went through a "my body betrayed me" time. I went through a "I bet it was because I need to lose weight" time. I went through a "I'm not doing this again" time. Soooooo many conflicting thoughts!
For those out there who are part of the "One in Four" group, please know that you are loved! It is hard. It is heartbreaking. It is shattering.
But there is peace to be had.
I was only 6 weeks pregnant when I lost the baby. We hadn't heard a heartbeat, seen a sonogram, or even gotten an official due date yet. And I suffered like I did.
For those who heard the heartbeat, saw or felt the movement, had names picked out, had a due date and had told their loved ones, my heart ACHES for you.
For those who have never had the joy of becoming pregnant and getting to see and do all those things, my heart and soul ACHES for you as well.
There is no easy answer. And there is no "appropriate" way to grieve.
We each just do what we can to survive.
The best thing we can do is to turn our hearts over to Heavenly Father for comfort and guidance. He sent Jesus Christ to atone for our sins. To suffer and die for us. And in those dark moments, please know that our Savior has felt the pain that is lancing through your body. 
I had far more emotional pain than physical during this time. And in some ways, emotional pain is more difficult because it sometimes feels like it will never heal, as most of our bodies do. And there are some things that will trigger a re-opening of the wounds in our spirits, and the hard part is that we can't tell when it will happen or what will cause it.
Which is why is all the more important to rely on the peace that can come from knowing we have a Father in Heaven and Savior who love us and know us individually.
I know I wasn't the only one weeping that day. And I know He continues to weep with me when times are hard. Just because these things happen, doesn't mean He doesn't love us. That's a hard lesson to learn, but through this experience, I cannot deny the love I have felt from Him.
I am so grateful.
I will get through this. :)
Love is a very healing thing. And I feel it all around me.
That doesn't mean I won't have days or weeks like I've had recently. Where I have to tend to the emotional pain by simply being gentle with myself and giving myself a break when I feed my kid goldfish, chocolate milk and pop tarts for breakfast instead of a well balanced meal. Or if he goes pants-less all day. Or if my house looks like a tornado hit it and I decide to sit and watch episodes of Fixer Upper instead of actually fixing up my own home.
I know my posts seem rambling sometimes and maybe a little dull, but I hope that you all know how much I appreciate your love. I can feel it in something as simple as you reading this. I sincerely hope I haven't offended anyone or made anyone uncomfortable. I intentionally left out the details of that day, but if anyone thinks it will help them in their own healing, please message me privately and I will share more.
You are all in my mind and heart everyday and I think writing this has been a very cathartic practice for me. Thank you for letting me share it with you.
<3
Let's make it a great day!
