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BEWARE

This post contains the following:

*Venting

*Complaining

*Selfishness

*Despair

*Lots of raw emotions put into words

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!

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Well, the day has come. I was told by my counselor that I would have days like this. 

You know the ones I'm talking about......the relapse days? 

The ones where you feel like you've taken a thousand steps forward, just to take two thousand steps backwards. The ones where you think maybe you're not doing so well after all. The ones where Satan is poking you all day long and just snickering behind your back because he knows you are aware of and falling for his dastardly ploys. 

It was bound to happen. I mean, no one can stay positive every day, forever. And I think I've done pretty good so far. And I am going to blame me getting sick on the majority of it. I feel like I have to, in order to keep trying to press forward. 

I also have a feeling that my "taking this week with a vengeance" plan with Weight Watchers has also gone by the wayside. Pretty sure I won't have good numbers to post for tomorrow. 

Oh and my husband leaves on Tuesday morning for Memphis and won't be back until midnight Wednesday night. Not looking forward to that. The only time we've spent nights apart was when my grandma died while I was pregnant with Donovan. So this will be the first day and night and day with Donovan by myself. I'm 40% sure that one of us will be either dead or comatose by the time Shon gets back. No joke. Watch for my name and picture on the news. ;) 

Also, I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate this last month. Sorry if that's TMI for some of you (I'm looking at you, my male readers.....). Although, with the way my son is screaming and carrying on upstairs in his bedroom (he's in time out for like the 20th time today), I'm in the "maybe one kid is all I can handle" mode. Seriously, folks, does it ever get better??????? He is a cute, intelligent, and charming, but VERY crazy two year old.

It will get better.

It has to.

I really wish that I could get to the place where I even know what to do with him. Like activity wise. 

Everyday. 

All day. 

I remember when I was pregnant, I would get on Pinterest and pin these cute, fun, creative activities and ideas all over the freaking place, but now that he's at the age where some of those would be fun, all I can see is: That is going to make the biggest mess. My house is a disaster and I have no desire to clean it up because I know he will wake up from his nap and turn the disaster switch back on. 

Oh look! Play dough activities? Fun! Let's get it out and..... oh crap, he just ate like half the container! Oh jeez! Now he's feeding it to the cat. Well let's try to divert his attention. Look Donovan! Here's some cookie cutters! Do you see the star that mommy made? Isn't that neat? Would you like to try? No? You would rather crush the play dough into the carpet? Ooookkkkk.... Well, let's get the vacuum out and clean it up. Oh wait, you freak out when I get the vacuum out. And daddy isn't here to hold you. Mmmmmm. Well maybe if I do it quickly..... (Turn on the vacuum) It's ok honey, it will just be a minute..... Oh man, Ok, hang on. Let me put it away. (As he cries and shakes and pretty much vomits all over the floor). Well, I guess I'll wait to do that until Daddy is home. 

So let's put the play dough away and color. Would you like to color? No? Well let's try it. Donovan, please don't throw all the crayons on the floor. Please stop throwing them at the cat!!!! Can you please help mommy clean up the crayons? Maybe just get one or two out at a time? Oh, whoops! I just stepped on a few and broke them in half. Shoot. Oh well. "Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere. Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share!" Donovan, please stop putting the crayons in the printer. That is not where they go. Where do we use crayons? On paper, right? Or my desk.... Yeah that works too..... Ok, time to put the coloring away (since he has yet to show any interest in actually coloring on paper). How about we read a book?

Go pick a book and I'll read it to you. Or you can read it to me! (He goes and picks out a book). Ok, let's see. Oh, you don't want me to read it? You just want to look at the pictures? Ok, no problem, whatever keeps you happy. And, we're done already.... Ok, go get another one. No? And there he goes..... off to play with his trucks. Well that's cool! Maybe I can sit down and get something done, or more likely, catch up on Facebook or play some Sudoku on my phone. (Get's comfortable on the couch). 

OUCH!!!! Donovan, how many times do I have to tell you that you CANNOT throw your trucks at mommy's head??!??!?! It hurts and it's not nice! If you do it again, you're going to time out. Now please stop it and play quietly. (I get through a game of Sudoku). 

WHACK! 

Rrrooooooaaawwwwww!!!! 

DONOVAN ALEXANDER!!! Did you just throw a truck at the cat????? Ok, time out. Let's go! (Drag him up the stairs) Shut him in his room, where he immediately starts jumping on his bed, playing in the blinds, drumming on every surface. Which is fine with me, because I just recently took EVERYTHING out of his room except the furniture and his monitor and nightlight, so he really can't get into much trouble. 

After a few minutes (although, to be completely honest, sometimes it's more like 15-20 if he's not screaming his head off, because maybe he just needs some alone time), I go up and talk to him about why he's in time out. 

M: "Donovan, are you going to be a good boy now and not throw your toys?"

D: "I be good boy."

M: "Can you say you're sorry to Kya?"

D: "Sorry Kya."

M: "Do you know why you got in trouble? You got in trouble because you threw your truck at Kya and it hurt her. You need to remember that she is a lot smaller than you and you hurt her when you do that. You don't want to hurt Kya, do you?"

D: (mumbles something about garbage trucks and clocks)

M: "Are you ready to do what mommy tells you?"

D: (mumbles something about lights and doors)

M: "Ok, you know I love you. Can I have a hug and kiss please?"

D: (leans in and gives me a kiss and comes forward into my arms for a hug)

M: "Thank you sweetie. Let's go downstairs and find something to do, ok?"

D: (runs down the stairs)

He grabs his trucks and goes to the table to start playing. He usually does not want me to play with him when he's playing with his trucks. I'm not sure why. Maybe I don't do it right..... But I know that is his indication that he wants to play alone. I lay back on the couch or sit down at the piano. All is well until.......

"DONOVAN REED!!!! Did you just sit on the cat????!??!?!?! WHAT DID WE JUST TALK ABOUT??????"

And so on....

This is just a small glimpse at what this kid does all day long. He has no middle ground. He is either going 100 mph or sleeping. And for an overweight, depressed, anxious and borderline personality disorder momma, it makes for a HARD time. 

Now I know I am NOT anywhere NEAR to being a perfect parent. And I am not too proud to say that I haven't even opened Pinterest in more than 6 months, but there are times (more than I care to count) when I seriously don't know what to do with him! 

And up until recently, my anxiety about crowds and public and not having clothes that fit or hair that works or whatever it may be, has prevented me from even wanting to get out and do anything outside of the house. And I wonder if that is a lot of the problem. Little boys are meant to go outside and get dirty and play with bugs and eat mud, right? I so wish we had an enclosed backyard, where I would feel safe letting him out to play. We have a back patio, but it is so small and he is definitely not able to be let out to play around the complex without me trying to keep up with him. And let me tell you right now. I can't keep up with him. Period. He also doesn't listen when I tell him to stop, so I can't even let him let go of my hand when we're out and about, for fear of him getting hit by a car.

And I know this sounds like I'm making up a lot of excuses. I am. I just sometimes wonder if I was meant to even be a mom. I mean, do all moms have this level of exasperation? Or is my son just super special and that combined with my insecurities and obvious issues just a recipe for unhappiness? 

Before I get all "Debby Downer" on everyone (too late), I do just want to tell you that most of the time, I am able to work past the feelings of desperation that come almost everyday and see that he is just a two year old. That he doesn't understand or know how he feels or how to put it in words. That he is such a small person to be having such big feelings and he just can't seem to control them. That he generally does not WANT to upset me. That he generally WANTS to be good. 

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Here's a "Happy Moment" break. 

Mommy and Donovan being silly on Photo Booth

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 Toddlers are rough. They're selfish (but so am I), they're emotional (um, also me), they're accident prone (if me dropping everything multiple times counts), they're full of energy (this one I am certainly NOT), and they're pretty much just starting out in life (again, certainly not me). But they are also so very sweet, loving, adorable, funny, smart and so, so innocent. Which, I think, the world could use more of. I know they don't stay that way, so I have to constantly tell myself to breathe and relax and unclench and take a step back. 

I just really wish I could remember to do those things when it really, truly matters. Like in the middle of one of his tantrums, or when I'm pulling my hair out because he wants to watch "Mater's Tall Tales" for the twelfth time today. 

See, even just writing this post has calmed me down. I think we all need to just vent every once in a while. And I'm so thankful I have a platform in which I can do that. (Sorry for all of those who think I'm always venting and complaining and whatnot). I promise to try to get better!!! 

I've gotten some great advice from loved ones and friends and other mothers who have been through the same things. So please, if you have advice, let me know. I think the majority of my problems would rectify themselves if I wasn't so darn lazy when it came to some things. And that is one of the MANY things I am going to work on. One step at a time. 

Today is just a day.

Tomorrow is a new one.

And I intend to make it a great one!

Who is with me????